Acknowledgements and Confessions

Those who know me best know I've been blue lately. Blue blue, deep blue. Sky blue. Just....varying shades of tremendously unhappy for nearly two months now. I want to thank those people who have been there for me, and I want to thank those same people for not making me talk about it unless I wanted to. The greatest thanks goes to my roommates who have been putting up with me when I'm cranky or quiet or unwilling to keep my mind on the tasks at hand (like grocery shopping at 2am...maybe that in itself is a problem, haha). Recently, it's taken a lot of concentration and work to think of reasons to...stay here. I'm not saying that I wanted to die, just that it's been hard lately not to check out of life in the mental sense. They became my reasons, and the reasons are growing in number all the time. The sky, the warm weather, music, God.
I want to thank the people back home for their patience with me as well, and the people who read this blog for making me feel like I'm important enough to be heard. I'm sorry if this has been a little too much information but I felt like it was important to fess up.
Lastly I'm thankful for crying. As down as I've been I haven't been able to cry. It's hard for me for some reason. I don't know why; I distinctly remember being a crier in middle school. Anyways, I did that today, not because I was sad but because I was so moved by a CD full of praise music someone made me. I was convicted, loved, in touch. I've got reasons to be here. So thank you to that person. I guess you could say you were the crucial last piece to this puzzle.

And then I remember to relax, and not try to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.

 -Lester Burnham, American Beauty